Loose ends

Mr Ka has two daughters with Mrs Kim but only one 'My Son'. That is the name of his tiny - I mean miniscule - boat that bobs about on the water occaisionally and that he takes out for morning fishing. I wrote a song about it. 'My sun never sets'. It is always there you see even after the sun goes down. There have been lots of other songs too - to be discovered in good time.

In Penang we discovered Georgetown's wonderful Little India, great food, the local salon scene, and the volume of toursists that leave Thailand for as little time as possible before returning with their new visa. There were hostels with giant waiting rooms. As soon as the passports reappeared from the visa agency everyone was back on the bus.

We just went to see Ake, Laura, Ville and Kirsi on Koh Muk. It was wonderful to see friends. We went scootering around the island as Ville got his second flat tyre. And we took a daytrip to see the Emerald cave. We went with the Norwegian honeymooning couple and the 2nd German underwater camera couple. There was a massive red jellyfish at the cave entrance we had to swim nervously around. Then we had an 80m swim, some in darkness, through the cave until we came out into a hole in the ground; a 100m wide beach surrounded 360 degrees by 250m high limestone cliffs on the edge of Koh Muk island. It was marvellous, until we swam out looking for the jellyfish, only for me to find it 5cm from my left arm. I was OK as I was wearing a rash shirt and it wasn't the kind with a tail but I felt for Anna who, of course, has the fresh memory of a nasty sting back in Honduras. As part of the trip we got to snorkel at Ko Kradan island opposite Koh Muk. It was cool to see some fish again(Nemo was there and Koh Jum is really only missing decent snorkelling and street food) but I would love to go to a prime Thai site where we might see more big stuff.

Koh Muk was very small and relaxed and Charlie's was very understated for a package resort. There were plenty of Finns about and we enjoyed the excellent food and company. We found a large bamboo bungalow to stay in for 350 baht just 10m outside Charlie's back gate and we found it really easy to slip into the scene - well, we basically hitched onto our friends holiday for 4 days!

We said goodbye to them in Trang after a day's shopping and we headed to Krabi town, the gateway to plenty more beaches and islands - and coindidentally very close to Koh Jam again. In Krabi we found a cheap but very noisy hotel for 250 baht (5 euros - the cheapest of our whole trip) and we also found market food to die for. Anything on a stick, bowls of tiny fried eggs (are they quails'?), amazing juices served in bamboo sticks, noodles and rice with anything, pancakes, more stuff on sticks, sausages, sausages, sausages - and Krabi even has shops selling cheese and wine. OK we can't afford it but we have been cheese-window-shopping. We have also been to the outta town malls - I found some more guitar strings on a half day songtaew adventure, and we took a longtail to check the famous Krabi beaches.

Railay Bay is famous as a clmbing destination and for 4 picture postcard Thai beaches. We hated it. Big new expensive proper resorts dominated the beachfront and the beaches were packed - really packed. And there were dozens and dozens of very loud longtails clogging up the beaches. It was ghastly - actually what we expected to find on Koh Muk (Muk or Mook as it is known was charming and a different world).

The weirdest thing was that we were just 40km from Koh Jum, where there is tranquility, wonderful beach and inner peace! We are heading back there tomorrow (22.1). We have to keep a lid on the budget, and that means not moving. And, as we are going to spend a lot of time somewhere, we need to feel confident about it. We could head further North to Ko Phayam and Ko Chang but everything we have read suggests they may be fine but maybe not work out as well as Koh Jum. I am sure we will visit them in a few weeks - on or around the time when we will probably have to nip into Burma (27.2) to get our stamps to stay the last 15 days in the country.

That's it for now. We have until 12.3 to enjoy Thailand. Then we have 15-18.3 in Tahko. I (and possibly Anna) will then go to England and then at the start of April... we need jobs. The big J... O... B... The time is coming. I feel really good and enthusiastic about getting back to work... but to do that I will be needing a job. Fingers crossed eh readers?

Ake helped us to surprise Ville (left)

Friends

Koh Muk's lovely main beach

Railay's beaches were packed

Stuff on sticks!

What we got up to and the village idiot

We spent a total of 3 weeks at Sun Smile, with a break just after Christmas to go to Malaysia's second city (Georgetown on the island of Penang) to get our Thai toursist visas.

We did take one day on a scooter around the island to check out all the other accomodation. There are about 25 resorts altogether. Even though there were some desirable places with lovely restaurants and great (expensive) food, nothing came close to Sun Smile value-wise - and especially because we had such a relatively wide, quiet stretch of beach - and great swimming at any time of day. Most places had poor quality accomodation and rocks on the beach and in the sea - one reason why Koh Jum has stayed a quiet island.

Anna spent her days working on her already impressive tan and scorching through books. I have been playing guitar and writing songs from eight in the morning until ten at night. It has easily been the most productive and constructive I have ever been musically. I can only hope you will get to hear the results at some point my dear readers. And we managed to get down to spending 700-800 baht per day with the odd extra beer or fruit thrown in. We got trim from sensible portions and plenty of frisbee and swimming and eventually we got to know the handful of staff at Sun Smile. Of course we had a few extra dishes at xmas and new year but it was pretty understated. Let's make that supremely understated. Chilled out does not come close.

Anyway, there was some other action. In Thailand it is 2552. The year, that is. You see they started with the enlightenment of Buddha - I think he probably stayed at Sun Smile a few thousand years ago or something. But also we were in the midst of National Children's Day and a week of happennings on the island. Well, actually we were oblivious to all of this (in a bubble watching a thousand sunsets from the blacony and marvelling at the subtle changes of colour between every day's dawn and dusk) - we were oblivious but for a bizarre chain of events.

We had taken the scooter around the island and I had seen one of the boatmen with very shiny new footy boots. In Tanglish I managed to ascertain that there was some action on the Ban Ting Rai village school field. This is the village behind our place mid-island and the school field we had found when lost earlier in the day. I thought I might get the chance for a kickabout. At dusk I left Anna at the ranch and scooted over.

There were a handful of stalls up and about 50 locals milling around. It turned out there was the big 7-a-side tournament going down between the island vilages. After I had chatted to a few players I settled into to a kick about with a bunch of 7 year olds, and then sat down to watch the action with a couple of Austrian guys. We watched as Ban Koh Jum firsts held Ban Ting Rai seconds to a goalless draw forcing penalties. Then I was distracted from the action as my rugby-loving Austrian chum pointed another team's manager towards me. They looked fit and organised and needed a player so I jumped at it. Though it tuned out I wasn't going to play for my local boys, Ban Ting rai. No, I was off to the knacker's yard with the slightly older and unkempt Koh Jum seconds. And they made play in a yellow Arsenal kit. I loved it of course. But after I had chatted to the lads, not understanding a word between us,of course, and using sign language (my body actually) to indicate that I would play in front our goalkeeper, I realised that there were now 150-200 people sat around the pitch in the dusk. Pretty much the whole of middle village.

And there was a commentator. With a big PA. In Thai of course. The game started OK. And I was the only Farang (foreigner). And when I approached the ball you could sense the pitch rise in his commentary. And the pitch was one third rocks, one third hard sand and one third shag-pile length grass. And then we conceded a soft opener. They cut us apart easily. The crowd got involved but I mostly noted them get louder at the comedy value of the token (lanky) honkey leaping to head clear or stooping to put a good headed chance over the bar from a corner.

And then I was 3 against 1 at the back. If you know where Jamie-Carragher-land is, then you will know where I was. As I backtracked the ball was passed in front of me from right to left and I had to use my (waning, possibly even long-forgotten) athleticism to scythe through the air to try to cut it out. I had lunged two footed, but in true Clagger style, leading with my right; the good foot. And I made contact. It was a miracle really. I was chuffed at my anticipation, reading of the flight, and reactions. For a stone cold hair's breath of a split second. For, as our goalkeeper was wrong footed, I had steered the ball passed him into the corner of the net.

Cheers from the home fans? No. Recriminations from the away fan or my teamates? No. Just infectious laughter. Cackling, bawling, screaming. The pitch was pretty high. The commentator was drowned out for a while before he joined in. The ref laughed at me. I turned and took a couple of bows to the crowd, smiling when I realised my teammates were not humiliated. The game restarted but the monstrous cackling didn't stop until we were 3-0 down and the crowd started to ebb away. In the second half I man marked their no.10, came close with a volley and we got a goal back. But I was already a legend in three villages. The village idiot. Long and white against the clouds of smoke from the noodle stalls. I would be recognised in the pitch black walking back after dropping off the scooter.

It was only later I realised that I had scored for my village team, Ban Ting Rai. Albeit while playing for the opposition!

Two nights later we went back to the field of dreams to see the local children's dance show. If only we had the photos of all those 4-9 year olds attempting choreography. We were in stitches. And the outfits were amazing. And there was some kareoke. And we found out that the Sun Smile boatman was called Mr. Dad. He invited us to sit on his family mat. Then we were joined by Sun Smile waitress, Mrs. Tuk. And it turned out they were married with two kids. They looked about 18. And that night, on the same field where I had embaressed the Queen only 48 hours earlier, all that was forgotten as we waited and then watched their gorgeous daughter dance in a wonderfully lacey fairy Princess dress. The girl next to her couldn't manage any of the moves and stared blankly at the PA for the whole 10 minutes, but the girl who calls Mr. Dad 'dad' knew every move. Especially the one where you hang your arms straight down and wiggle your hands behind you.

Finding Koh Jum

We spent some quality time with a reference books (LP South East Asia and a second hand Thailand Rough Guide), as well as talking to some sensible people we met. Being new to Thailand we didn't know what to expect but we had narrowed our priority destinations down to a few islands - Ko Phayam (not far from Burma), Ko Chang (the Ko Chang next to Phayam), and Koh Jum (also known as Koh Pu, midway between Koh Lanta and Krabi). All three were not in the South East Asia book but all sounded quiet and devoid of package tourists, and with plenty of cheap accomodation, and lots of beach - maybe not spectacular beach but beach all the same.

We toyed with some sightseeing options but decided to head for Koh Jum as it appeared first on our horizon. We rejected the pricey tourist ferry option and headed to Trang for a night, where we enjoyed our first taste of a Thai town, before getting a morning bus on to Nea Klong, then a people carrying truck (the legendary songteaw) to the tiny sea gypsy stilted village of Laem Kruat; for the longtail boat ride 45 minutes across to Koh Jum town.

I already loved all the names of the Thai towns - I can roll Nea Klong around my tongue for hours - and we have also learnt to love the local transport. The longtails are small wooden boats that have enormous truck engines on the back with a very long pole-like shaft (maybe 3m long) that connects to a propeller - hence the long tail. They don't have keels and the long tail is levered in and out of the water in the shallows. At least they are wooden so should stay afloat. Whenever you are near the coast you can hear the throb of a longtail engine. On a day trip to Railay Bay the other day we were on the loudest longtail in the history of the world ever. We had to put our hands over our ears and I swear that is the boat you can hear wherever you are in the country!

By the way every place in Thailand has about 6 names: Nea Klong, Nua Klong, Nea Kong, Nuah Klong etc etc which makes any conversation about getting anywhere independently hilarious.

Koh Jum has 5 beaches stretched out on its Western shore over about 10km. We plumped for the middle beach, Ao Si, as we had read good things about Ao Si bungalows on the frankly brilliant and indespensible Tezza's Thai beach info blog. We had to take a mototaxi (think; beaten up small bike with sidecar made of wooden planks with a flat tyre and a metal cage that can squeeze in a family of 5) across the island, where we saw the tsunami village; 50 pre-fabricated homes that had been made by a relief organisation in the aftermath of the 2004 tsunami. It had been built in an area safe from future tsunami hazards, but was also a stark reminder that, even though miraculously no lives were lost on Jum, Boxing Day 2004 changed everyone in these parts.

We found Ao Si bungalows perched on the hillside at one end of quiet Ao Si beach. They were jungle style bamboo rooms on stilts, some of which had amazing views down the length of the island, and from the bar you could look out onto the Andaman sea. We struck up a deal for 12 nights with the Scottish manager, Phil, and settled in.

Then we took a walk down the beach.

Ao Si beach only had 3 'resorts'. When I first read about Thai resorts I thought concrete and swimming pools but it means just a collection of bungalows or huts or something similar, probably with a restaurant of some kind. We could see 'Jungle Hill', the other similar resort at the other end of the beach. We were walking to find a spot to swim in because of the rocks in front of Phil's place. Then, in the middle of the beach, we saw Sun Smile. There were 11 blue-roofed bungalows and just two guests from Holland. It was imediately apparent that this was the nicest stretch of beach and great for swimming with gently sloping sand well away from the handful of longtails that were actually parked in front of Phil's.

Then I saw the owner, a small but young oriental-looking gent, who showed me a front rower - a bungalow with an obstructed view of the sea through the coconut grove of 8 trees providing a bit of shade behind the beach before the 'resort'. And it was concrete, and had a great tiled bathroom, the bed was new, there were proper nets fitted to the windows, and he offered to undercut the 'sweaty'*. There were even useful furniture units. And parasols for the beach. And we would be giving money to a 'chao leh' family rather than to another gringo-owned hotel. I had had enough of dodging wildlife filtering through jungle-style construction back in Mexico. The thought of not having to use a mosquito net, of the amazing view, the lovely balcony - it was a no brainer.

But I had to go back to Phil and renege on our agreement. He actually kicked us out straight away with a smile and we gave him 200 baht (4 euros) for his trouble. Our room at Sun Smile would cost us 380 baht per night. Not the 250 we had hoped for on quiet Thai islands but we haven't found anything remotely comparable at the price before or since. As we left Phil's down the endless steps through the jungly hillside at dusk we realised what we would be missing. I had already left a crazy pink frog in the bathroom. Now, as we descended, fully laden, thousands of gigantic moths lifted off around us, clouding the path and echoing into the trees.

I woke up the next morning and jogged just after dawn on the beach - for the first time in my life. I was pretty scared when I made it to Phil's end but as I ran back past Sun Smile I saw a big cat running from the rocks at the other end. Only it wasn't. It was one of about 40 monkeys all running up the beach from a little circle of rocks back into the trees. I eased up and watched them squabble and play. Were they fishing? I have no idea. It turned out that two tribes of monkeys lived either side of Sun Smile and had frequent territorial squabbles. We would see plenty more of them - especially when they would try to steal thong-clad-Klaus' fruit!

That first full day we enjoyed the simple, basic but good enough food from the Sun Smile kitchen and we saw the arrival of a handful of new guests. This would become pretty much the only daily event. In the morning the tourist ferry would come from Koh Lanta, and in the afternoon from Krabi, and the Sun Smile boatman would go out to meet it and bring back a few new guests. Many would only manage a night as our island is just too quiet for some. A few would walk the few kms down the beach in search of more family-orientated digs, and a few would stay a few days.

None of them got bungalow 302 though. That night we discovered the stunning sunset view across 25km of Andaman see to Koh Phi Phi. Every night the sun would set over Phi Phi (Pi Pi or Pee Pee sometimes:)), the island famous for scenes from The Beach movie. Actually it is two islands, Phi Phi Don and Phi Phi Leh, the later being uninhabited and 'the beach'. Those of you who have an unhealthy memory will note that Anna and I met while The Beach (with Leonardo) played on the giant Stella screen on Brighton beach, and that our first date was at The Beach club (with my dad shaparoning!). We felt some kinda divine circularity looking out on the islands' silhouette. We joked that we could split up now we have come full circle - we're not by the way!

By the way, the 'chao leh' are the decendants of Chinese migrants; the sea gypsies of South East Asia. Our host, who we found out was called Mr. Ka, had a Chinese background. Mrs Kim, his wife, was from local island, Koh Yao Yai. They had two daughters but we would spend more time with Mr Ka's 'my son'.

*sweaty sock = Jock = Scottish bloke

On da boat

They don't all look like this. The sunset view I keep banging on about

Sun Smile bungalows

Beavering away on the balcony

Transportation & logistics

On the course of our travels we have discovered two favoured modes of transport; camper van and scooter. I loved our people carrier convert in NZ but I saw what I really want - the Mitsibishi Delica! A lot of surfies have them raised up on all terrain tyres, they are great for 2 people, and I kinda like the name.

In Thailand Yamaha have introduced a new scooter model which is smashing the competition. It has the retro styling of an Italian classic (well, nearly) and all the easy-to-customise options imaginable. They are everywhere in Thailand. We are staying next to a Yamaha showroom and Anna (and I) are drooling when we walk out - I wander round town just looking at all the various colour and seat styles. Do they sell them in Europe? - I think we should be told.

The Delica - luxury

Latte Fino style

Getting carried away with Fino mods

Thailand

We have now been in Thailand for most of the time since mid-December bar the three day visa run to Penang in Malaysia. I hate the phrase 'visa run' by the way. But I love the term 'Farang' for foreigner used here - nearly as much as I love 'Gringo'!

We are in Krabi now, have been briefly to Koh Muk and will be back on Koh Jum island in a few days (22.1) for 3-4 weeks. Internet access there is only sporadic 3 km away in the village though our phones work for texts and calls (though calls cost us).

More on Thailand next time but a quick thanks to Ake, Laura, Ville and Kirsi who let us invade their holiday for 4 days on Koh Muk. The island was lovely, their resort (Charlie's) was great (understated and great food) but they were the best - it was so lovely to see them!

Of visa woes

On arrival in Thailand on December 13th we were greeted by signs at Satun port immigration that the King had decreed that foreigners on the visa waiver program, like us from Europe, entering Thailand by land or sea, would only receive permission to stay 15 days in the country. As we were intending to stay something like 87 we were a bit perturbed but none of our flashing of air tickets or protestations could sway the official. They changed the rules on November 28th, a week after we checked online from New Zealand.

Now it transpired we would have to get a Thai tourist visa. It costs but not much and is valid for 60 days but... you have to leave Thailand and go to a consulate or embassy to get it. We knew we were heading back to Malaysia. At least we had time. We soon started meeting people who had flown to KL or Singapore (even due to the ongoing changing of flights bound for Bangkok) and planned to spend three weeks in Thailand - only to have their holiday cut short by the new rules. The change is meant to discourage Farang (foreigners) living and working illegally in Thailand, who have just been popping to the border every thirty days. Now they pop an extra 200km every 60 days.

When we went to Penang in Malaysia just after xmas for the visa run there were hundreds more people waiting for visas and the first bus back to Thailand. The people living and working in Thailand illegally or quasi-legally were easy to spot. They were the 40-something caucasians freely talking about how they have done 3, 6, 12times. The mind boggled. everyone agreed the new law was nonsense and all the Thai guesthouse owners were deeply unamused that their mid and long-term guests were doing one early. The only people smiling were the visa agents in Penang - they've never had it so good. Luckily we had the time to do it and spent a nice few days sampling the food and window shopping in Penang's charming Little India.

Sing A Poor and a brief flirtation with Malaysia

Apologies again for the lack of regular blogging. Intermittent access to quality Internet and a desire to avoid computers have been the main factors. And apologies too for the last rant. And any typos - my editor is on vacation. There will be more photos soon.

It is now deep into January and I can quickly recap our flirtation with Singapore and Malaysia (twice) that has lead us to our current location in southern Thailand.

Singapore was a revalation. From expecting a psuedo-Indian city I was shocked to find a concrete metropolis. It is impossible to escape the city's malls as each metro station feeds into another high rise air-conditioned monolith packed with shoppers, escalators and the tat of life. We loved the window shopping, and the air conditioning. And then we found the food halls. The food was awesome - varied, cheap and quality. There were always food courts in the malls but the best ones we found were dedicated, multi-storey fast food cathedrals. Like giant car parks but with every parking bay another kitchen, and with rudimentary seating in the driveways. And there was every type of food conceivable - of course Thai, Malay, Indian - endless prize winning noodles, curries, pancakes and then also American-style breakfasts, pastas and oddballs like Belgian chocolate waffles, dim sum and sushi - especially after our 'normal' diet in NZ and the limited choices we had in Latin America the food halls were a revelation - and so much cheaper and better value than anywhere else we had been.

We took plenty of MRT (Mass Rapid Transport) rides and saw some of the sights, like Raffles Hotel, and checked out Chinatown. When we had arrived there were accomodation problems but we found a Hotel 51 in Geylang. We were warned it was the red light district, and there were always plenty of weird and wonderful characters around, but it felt safe and there were loads of cheap eats around - even if they were renting some rooms by the hour.

We took the bus to Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia with the intention of working out which Malaysian island to head to. We already knew that it was monsoon on the East Coast and that the nicest sounding islands (the Perhentians) were closed. KL tourist info also advised us against going to Pulao Tioman in the south east because of the monsoon. We would regret not going there a few days later as we started to meet people who had just been - even though they had afternoon rain, the low season prices and great underwater action would have made our Malaysian experience more memorable - probably.

In KL we had a diet of window shopping and sightseeing, checking out the massive Petronas Towers (now the second highest building in the world, outside of New Zealand - probably) and we stayed in Chinatown in the friendly Wheeler's where our owner petted his cat, his partner did his nails and we enjoyed rooftop bar kniffle in the dark.

Then we went to Langkowi because we were assured it was paradise. It wasn't. If you were staying at one the few 5 star resorts that effectively had their own private beaches hidden in far corners of the island it probably was paradise. But if, like everyone else, you were crammed into the only budget and mid-range accomodatiom on the island on the narrow street behind Cenang beach - then it wasn't. The beach wasn't all that. The road was being dug up so walking anywhere was dicing with voracious trucks and scooters. The accomodation was overpriced. Many people were only there for the duty free booze which didn't even come cheap compared to the Thai border a few km away. It was a mess. We scootered around and found some nicer beaches but it was a nightmare for us. It was even worse for those backpackers who arrived too late and had to sleep on the beach or in the beach bars. Our room was a messed up staff room with a concreted bath - and we were lucky.

Malaysia had been a disappointment. Truly Asia? Had they employed a crack team of New Zealand copywriters?

I think that thanks to Peru, New Zealand and Malaysia in particular, I have learnt a great deal about the hard edge of tourism marketing. Can you imagine the look on my face when I read a letter the other day in the Bangkok post from a Thai gentleman, fresh from New Zealand, suggesting that what the Thai tourist industry needs is more leaflets?

Dear MEK (Finnish Tourist Board), are my new found passion for tourism marketing, my work history, your future challenges, and my future availability - just a coincidence?

Dogs look like their owners eh?

KL looks a bit like this

Little India in Georgetown

No - I want it to look like yours!

Singapore looks a bit like this

The other New Zealand

I have something I have to get off my chest.

When we met 4 New Zealanders in Bolivia (well, 3 New Zealanders and one Frenchie living there who has had to field a lot of questions about the Rainbow Warrior) we were also with an English couple who had just spent 7 weeks there. Of course, it was a great opportunity for us to learn about the country, especially as Steven and Lisa had been in a camper van and developing tricks to go in a budget stylie.

We had plenty of time to talk and it soon became a running joke that our New Zealander friends were from 'the other New Zealand' because it seemed that the others had experienced totally different places and aspects of life and culture. This was mostly due to our friends being resident in Auckland, a city of 2.5 million, holding just under half of the country's human population, which is a long way, in many ways, from the South Island.

I found that there was another New Zealand. In fact I found dichotomies and dualities everywhere. The country is schizophrenic (correctly the country actually suffers from dissociative identity disorders), through my own thinly veiled diasthema# I found New Zealand to be hypocritical at best or downright deceitful at worst.

I should and will explain and anyone about to go on holiday there should take this with a pinch of salt - it is a truly amazing place after all - and everyone should get the chance to visit.

If I have discovered that Argentina is the country of the sandwich; that Mexico is the country for human indiginous diversity; that Easter Island is the place to head for er... stone heads; that Australia is the place for warning signs and really dangerous stuff (snakes, box jellyfish, sharks, drunk Australians); then I have learnt that New Zealand is the country of tourist information. In Latin America it was called Informaciones Turisticas or something and never really existed beyond a sign on a wall.

In New Zealand it means that there are signs everywhere, for everything. The 'true wilderness' is signposted throughout. Every turn in every trekking, tramping, hiking, walking, yomping and stomping trail is highlighted, usually with accompanying in depth detail about the flora and fauna which exist or no longer exist en route.

And there is a leaflet for everything. We had three compartments under our bed in the van. One was just for leaflets. The amount of tourist leaflets in the country of New Zealand is obscene. On South Island there is not much outside the few medium sized towns but the best, newest, shiniest buildings are the leaflet warehouses of the tourist information centres. There are definitely more info centres than towns on the south island and they all have the same leaflets - millions of them.

In my humble opinion New Zealand must be the most developed country for tourism in the world. Spain may have a coastline bursting with the development of tourist concrete, and countries such as Thailand and Peru may be totally dependent on tourism with many communities solely developing for tourists in different ways - but New Zealand is like the tourist barge in the Battlestar Galactica fleet. And I am talking South Island predominantly - North Island has a different character but much in common outside Auckland.

And that is why I am allowed this post. On one hand I love information. Being on a walk and having instant access to details I would never otherwise discover is very rewarding - and makes it feel like great value. The DoC (Department of Conservation in NZ) have done an incredible job to the envy of the rest of the world with their meticulous approach to their national parks. On the other hand the tourist literature in New Zealand is monstrously over-the-top, filled with ridiculous claims and is very adept at raising expectations to unreachable levels. IMHO New Zealand is full of contradictions and weaknesses. As a marketer and copywriter I think that the strategists many years ago set out to fix many 'issues' and in doing so, the claims that they make have left me disappointed, empty, a little betrayed - and determined to respond. Especially on South Island, tourism is so woven into every person and every building in every tiny hamlet, that a lot of personalities we came across (in shops, streets, cafes, parks, walks etc.) seemed to be extensions of this grand design - the locals and then also the tourists were singing from the same hymn sheet as the signs, leaflets, pamphlets and exhibits.

True wilderness - New Zealanders are rightly proud of their amazing scenery. However to constantly claim that national park X, trail Y, or area Z is true wilderness is fallacious. Granted, there are areas (where it rains 7m a year or there are 3500m plus mountains) where there are no people, no sheep and no paths but everywhere else is filled with marked trails, farming, people, reforestation projects and roads plied only by tourist camper vans. This is in stark contrast to say; deserts (Africa, Asia, America, Australia), or rainforest (particaularly Amazonian or Indonesian, where even the inhabited areas are often wilderness). The worst example of this was a ski resort that billed itself as 'the inbound backcountry'. When you have just been to Canada, and you can see from the roadside that the resort is tiny, you (well, I) want to get of the car and give someone a thrashing - or at least call advertising standards.

Heritage - like pretty much every nation on earth (except probably people at war who don't have time to think about it but are probably fighting for it) New Zealanders are proud of the past. Without veering into the indiginous debate (seperate point) there is lots of fascinating stuff about the pioneers and the incredible fortitude and ingenuity of the settlers. However, and this really pi**ed me off, every tiny 3 shack hamlet has a heritage trail, and most have a welcome sign proclaiming that you are now entering 'the historical town of x'. I had a big problem with this as I found New Zealand's towns and villages incredibly disappointing. To be cruel they were generally charmless and boring. Napier had its art deco, there were a few nice buildings, cafes and shops dotted around but by comparison I would say that all the towns on South Island put together had less charm than any random Cornish, Dorset or Sussex village - and most certainly vastly less heritage and history. One sign even referred to entering the 'historical heritage town of...'. Shakespeare said 'the lady doth protest too much.' We went to one museum proudly displaying a whopping 42 years of village history. OK it is all they've got, like the national radio show where a lady talked about her historical book on three generations of village life for two hours, but it is way beyond rational to hype these kind of claims.

Natural diversity - New Zealand has lots of amazing looking stuff, there is no doubt about that. The locals and the leaflets constantly give you the impression that the country has the most amazing diversity on the planet. Except it doesn't. Not in my opinion. Australia, and even California, even Bolivia are more diverse. In NZ they claim it so i am allowed a rebuttle. I am starting to think it is because people only go to NZ once so the hype-machine can get away with it. Yes, NZ has amazing Fiords, rainforest, coastline, mountains, geothermal areas and wildlife. Bolivia is definately more diverse (and you could make a similar claim for Argentina and many others). It has Amazonian rainforest and pampas at 100m, desert, 4km high salt plains, mountains, geothermal areas, lakes and looks and feels like being on the moon most of the time. California has pretty much everything except rainforest but instead has the world's tallest trees plus some of the world's most extreme human settlements (those cities are pretty diverse). What they don't point out at length in New Zealand is that, in the short period since European colonisation, they (or we if you prefer) have done a very good job at messing up the place.

Most of the species of whales are gone from the coasts, and there are very few penguins left. Probably my 'kul wadah' moment of realisation came when were in a penguin hide waiting to spot one of the six yellow eyed penguins that lived in the area. It turned out that we were in a conservation area that was a beach that had to be rescued from farming and had to be reforested in order to provide habit to save the birds from extinction. There are not many penguins left in New Zealand. We went to the see the famous New Zealand glaciers, cunningly billed as the 'largest most accessible glaciers close to a major road in the southern hemisphere' or something similar. We were gutted. Of course, we live in snow and ice of some of the year - a travelling companion of mine described them as looking a bit like a Finnish ski slope in spring. Unfortunately they were not the ice-cracking-into-the-sea wilderness experience of Patagonia (that we missed - this time). The were crawling with access roads, tour parties, walkers, climbers, fools taking photos under the crumbling face, and they were not very impressive. Despite the highly extravagant claims of the brochures.

The New Zealand farmland is undeniably beautiful - in fact I the rolling sheep-infested countryside aroud Christchurch was probably my favourite vista - but it hides that fact the country has been subject to ruthless deforestation, precipitating all the usual side effects - loss of habitats and extinctions, and soil erosion. There are Kiwis or course, and every glow worm hole is a tourist destination in itself but I keep coming back to compare Easter Island with NZ, especially as they were settled around the same time. Easter Island is known only for the heads and for the fact that it was completely raped by humans and farming practices pretty much much destroyed all the ecosystems on the land island and in the surrounding water. It took the Easter Islanders a thousand years to render their island barren. As far as I can see it has taken colonial practices only a few hundred years to destroy much of New Zealand's nature, even if the big stuff (mountains and er... mountains... has been left intact).

The experience of your lifetime - We have seen a flyer for a sheepshearing show billing it is the experience of your lifetime. I thought at first it must be ironic but the leaflet tried to justify it. You see pretty much everything about New Zealand is once-in-a-lifetime, unforgettable, one-of-a-kind... except that it isn't is it - it never is. On one hand the leaflets and even offical goverment signs go to amazing lengths to prove uniqueness. And, yes, you have noticed that this is the copywriting partof my brain talking. A waterfall is the 'tallest single tract fall in the southern hemisphere outside of the Americas and Asia' or it is 'the biggest rock on this coast south of Dunedin' or the 'biggest national park on the north of south island' or something. Unlike America. Where when they say it is the biggest roadside donut in the world you can be sure it is. Or the Nile, the Amazon, Mount Everest, or the biggest rat in the world from Bolivia. Or Malaysia, where they have their own book of records because they are nation obsessed with balancing coins on noses and cans on mopeds and fireworks on skyscrapers. You know it is true. But in New Zealand what is written on a sign or leaflet probably isn't true. New Zealanders surprisingly don't have much of chip on the shoulder about the Aussies but they are gutted they don't have the world's most dangerous snakes.

And I leant something. In NZ everything is an experience. Some readers will be catching some familiar tones here. I have learnt that refering to something as an experience is ultimately vacuous. A thing that is in need of description does not benefit from being termed an experience. It is a tautology in the making and only serves to convey a confused lack of substance, relevance and conviction.

The activities centre of the world - yes, NZ is a brilliant place to go if you want to jump out of plane, go canyon power boating, bungee jumping, rafting and canyoneering all on the same day. And in a way you kind of have to. Of course, part of me wishes that we had had unlimited funds and could have taken a sktdive or power boat ride. But that is because you knida have to. You see, I unfortunately think that New Zealand is such a very boring place that you need to have your adrenalin charged by something - hence the wonderful symbiosis that exists between the country, the tourists and the extreme activities. In truth all the activities can probably be done in your home country and most can probably done in most other major tourist destinations (in Dubai you can probably do them all indoors!). However NZ is a great location, particularly around Queensland, which has wonderful scenery and, of course, every bungee-tight-rope, hot air-bridge-swing, boat-bubble-ball combo you could imagine. I should mention that while everyone else was taking their gran bungee jumping in Queensland we went for a crafty cheeseboard. You should also be aware that you jump will not actually be the 'first', 'highest', 'longest', or 'narrowest' - those accolades would belong to some SoCal hippie or a Polynesian islander - and that it will not be the 'experience of a lifetime' - that will be the birth of your first child, probably, unless you have twins.

Nearly done but this wouldn't be complete without a quick slagging off for Auckland. We expected a cosier Sydney. We were gutted. Ponsonby was nearly charming but it really was disappointing. Before our trip we always thought of NZ as a distant possible future home. Not anymore. And what Auckland brought home was the huge solcial issue facing New Zealand - that of race and the integration of the indiginous population with the settlers. We have only briefly witnessed the struggles of indiginous people; in the USA, where it has been swept away on a barge crowned with a head-dress shaped casino; in Mexico, where myriad local tribes have kept ancient ways of living but autonomy is a still an armed struggle for some; In Australia, where the loss of nomidic lifestyles and social exclusion of Aboriginals manifests in alcohol problems evident on the strets of most towns; in Finland, where the Sami are OK but have lost their lifestyles and are losing their language as fast as they have lost their land. And New Zealand, which doesn't have much news, so the same news stays on for a week, but most news stories are of alcohol-related domestic abuse in the indiginous community. And where the lifestyles of the indiginous peoples have left them disinfranchised from the benefits of development and, in particular the education system.

New Zealand is relatively small however and its people do have a wonderful characteristic - similar to the Finns - issues seem to be debated openly and with a calm enthusiasm. My hope is that, particularly be investing in education, New Zealanders are able to develop ways to offer indiginous descendants options in a new future.

To sum up; I won't go again, and I would definately recommend Australia first; but everyone should go; but go with the will to get extreme and dirty; and don't believe anything you read - particularly not my opinions in this blog. I hope you find the other New Zealand!

PS Sorry to the lovely New Zealanders we have met. Nothing personal. I just had to get it off my chest.

#Diasthema = my gappy front teeth